Retirement Party Jokes

Retirement party jokes can be used to lighten the mood of the retirement and cheer up your friends who are retiring in retirement parties or retirement cards.

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:

We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.

Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear nametags because they don't know who they are.

They go to a big building called a wrecking hall; but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good.

There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."

My Grandma says Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse won't let them out.

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

Seniors are a treasure

Remember, old folks are worth a fortune,
With silver in their hair, gold in their teeth,
Stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet,
And gas in their stomachs.

I have become older since I last saw you.
And a few changes have come into my life.
Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal...
I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up,
Will Power helps me out of bed,
After which I go to see John.
Later Charlie Horse comes along
And he takes a lot of my time and attention.
After that Arthur Ritis shows up
And stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long,
So he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day I'm really tired
And glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life!!!

P.S. The preacher called the other day
And said at my age I should be thinking
About the hereafter. I told him,
"Oh, I do that all the time.
No matter where I am--in the parlour,
Kitchen, upstairs, or down in the basement--
I ask myself, 'What am I here after?'"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"